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...and I'm no good at comebacks.
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[29 May 2004|12:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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student rick (whatever track 9 is...) |
] |
Tonight was low key...but still fun. Kelly came over, just watched a movie, all the 5th grade stuff I missed out on. :)
("Is that why I pee up?")
Hmm...I don't know, I'm getting really sick of this whole mega lame lifestyle...but I just don't have the energy right now to break out. Thing is...I really don't want this to be my comfort zone anymore. I mean I want so much more, and so badly...
...but I'm just so comfortable here, in this stupid mundane lifestyle...and it's just easier to be secure than to break out and experience new things...even though I want/need to so bad.
...So, I dunno.
I've noticed a lot lately how important security is to me...
Maybe that's why I tend to back away from situations involving tons of uncertainty.
I guess I'm just scarred, so afraid to be deceived.
...I'll get over that eventually...I just feel bad for all the people I've brought down wiht me, because I thought I could beat the system with them. I'm always wrong.
Next time will be different. I just need to find a next time.
This life thing...it's tough.
I think I might have been a philosopher in a past life.
I need to just sit down and write...the way I used to. Just pages and pages of whatever comes into my head...
But I just haven't had the energy.
It's just that so much is going on in my head that I need a place to sort it out...
...and that was kind of my only outlet. I kinda just lost touch with healing.
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| I'm really tired but... |
[29 May 2004|12:17am] |
...this just felt like an obligation.
I've got so much on my mind lately...I don't even know how to put it into words. I'm just completely consumed by this overwhelming feeling of...of something that I can't even identify. It's a mix of so many things, bored lameness, frustration, hope, motivation, lust, love, desire, memories, and just this complete state of awe. I'm not sure if I like it or not but...well I've been better than I had been before.
Over a week, completely substance free, past few days, no thoughts of or preoccupation with death...
...and so much less anger. It's still there, but it just doesn't come out all wrong like the way it used to.
But do I want this? Do I WANT to be "normal"?
Do I want to be like everyone else...even if being like me hurts?
...I kinda liked having a self, and now...no matter how much I hated it...that huge part of me may just completely vanish and well then what am I left with? Who am I? Do I have to start over? Or can I keep some of the old?
...I don't know.
It's weird...I know now that I can change my life and all that fun stuff...I can be GOOD again...but I don't WANT to. I guess that's what it's all about. Evil is doing what you want, good is doing what's right, I guess? I don't know. I've just been gone for a really long time, and getting back seems near impossible.
Even though it sucks, and it hurts, and it's miserable and painful and terrible...
...losing all goodness just...it does something to you. Corruption...it feels good; in theory anyway.
It's kind of strange, but I know that what's best for the long run is to go back, to be...human...again.
...I just have to convince myself that I want it.
Because once you let yourself go...
...it's just...it's just so hard.
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[27 May 2004|10:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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throat = owch |
] |
| [ |
music |
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boy meets world ? :D |
] |
I think I'm gonna make a stupid mistake...
4's a charm?
OYE.
Maybe it'll be different this time.
Maybe not.
I spent the night moving furniture...ow. Bruises like woah.
Good times...
Tomorrow's Friday. What's going on?
Later.
<3.
And if you stay...
Then I'm still lost
in some ways this world has more to say than you
Come out of the rain
and if it won't stop then I'm going home...
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| "You're like red wine. I love you!" ...Right. |
[26 May 2004|07:08pm] |
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mood |
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 if arthritic is a word...that. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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off.by.one |
] |
La la la so today was school, feels like it's been a while. I was having an okay day until I got into a terrible mood because of some asshole who I'm just going to beat to shit, but whatever, he's not important, so it's practically forgotten.
I forget what happened so...
[1] Study. Read sparknotes for 1984. Good times with Mike.
[2] Sociology. Det. Baretto AGAIN! Getting sick of the man! Talked about...wait...I don't even remember! Ohh right...military crap. Violence or something. He repeats himself lots. Oh well, I just fell asleep.
[3] Spanish. Project happened to be amazing. I feel bad...Oops?
[4] Health. "Relationships." Kind of a daze. Plus I was sick. Wasn't the best time.
[5] Lunch. OMF I don't even know what happened but it was just really really funny. Good times. I'll miss it.
[6] Precalc. Not so much lost. But I still refused to do my own homework. So that's probably why I'm failing miserably. My fault, I suppose I kinda suck.
[7]English. Failed a quiz. Kinda badly. Maybe if I actually read the book? Again...I suck.
[8] History. Video about ICP and Manson and some rap and stuff from the 90's. Entertaining.
[9] Study. "We're all so hot, so you must be gay." Lauren's in love with herself, it makes me laugh.
Random thoughts of the day...
- My boys just aren't the same anymore. I miss them already.
- Just about every CD I own skips, and it's just about the most frustrating thing EVER...especially when you threw the remote to the CD player out the window and it doesn't work and you have to get up an average of 10 times throughout a CD. (Here comes number 2, and I'm only on track 3...) WHEE that was fun oh shoot me.
- School is like...over. That's sick. I hate it, but as usual I'm a Whitney and I'm totally gonna miss it. I get so nostalgic even over the most horrible things. But...whatever. Happens every year. This time next year just might kill me. :)
- I kinda like my sister being home nights. Takes the pressure off of me. It's interesting.
- This summer's going to suck completely, but it's my own fault. I fucked up big time, and I've just been gone far too long...I need this summer to become human again I guess, or there's just no chance in hell that I'll make it in the real world ever.
- I'm really sick the past week and I don't know why. My stomache's like totally messed up, like way worse than the usual, so I dunno what that's about. I think it might have something to do with...something. Haha. "The liquid diet."
- I hate my room...I'm gonna move some shit around and see if I can not hate it. Maybe if I squint. Man...I totally suck at life.
- MAD identity crisis. Driving me crazy.
- I watch Katie shop a lot. Today was more fun than usual though.
- This was all too random and irrelevant to make up an actual paragraph or anything.
- I'm falling in love all over the place.
So there ya go.
Tomorrow's Thursday.
Later.
<3.
but you know that I could be
someone who could never leave
cuz being free
was just not meant for me
someday I will come to see
that all of this reality
it's just not meant
it's just not meant for me...
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| Layout. |
[25 May 2004|10:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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radiohead... oddly enough... |
] |
It happens to be ugly...
...but it's 10:54 pm and I haven't started reading 1984 and half of the book is due tomorrow.
Can you say all-nighter?
...I can't.
But I can say sparknotes.
Goodnight world.
<3.
On Monday I am waiting
By Tuesday I am fading...
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| This is the moment that I live for...I can smell the ocean air... |
[25 May 2004|07:27pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
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story of the year |
] |
La la la hi. So another sick day, oh man, if you love me pray that I don't have to go to summer school because that will suck such unbelievable ass...and that would just be "FUBAR" :)
No fights today, that was good at least. Didn't cry much, just a little everytime I'd wake up from pain or whatever? That's weird because well you know how I sleep...nothing wakes me up. So whatever, no fighting is always good.
I wasted the day again, but that's okay, maybe I needed it? Maybe I've been working myself too hard lately? Whatever...it's been relaxing, when I'm not really upset and stuff.
People were civil today. Or maybe it was just my attitude being different? I don't really know, and I don't really know why I felt so different today...I know when, and that's just weird. I'm just sitting in my old room on the ugliest yet most comfortable couch watching some Sugarcult video and I dunno what happened or if that was significant but that's when it happened? So...yeah.
School tomorrow I hope. That should be interesting. I have a funny suprise. You'll laugh at me. I got a tad bored is all. We'll see.
So...yeah.
Much to say, but it's just...it's all been done.
I just want to move on.
The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were hear
I swear I wont miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
Of our dying day
Of our dying day
Of our dying...
For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
And you gasp for air tonight...
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
Our dying day
Of our dying...
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[25 May 2004|12:01am] |
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Thanks.
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| I'm sorry but isn't this the part where it starts getting better!? |
[24 May 2004|10:39pm] |
This is definitly driving me crazy.
My mother won't stop fighting with me...and well, I can't really explain, DAMNIT I'm not allowed to explain anything...but what happens to me or with me or what I do or whatever...when she starts fighting with me...
...it's bad. Really bad. Disgusting and terrifying and just completely twisted.
When did this become a daily thing? Not even that...at leas 5 times a day. If you knew what it was...
...you'd GET it. Not that...you even want to anymore.
I don't know who I've become, or what, or I don't know, but no one wants me anymore. Just being completely unwanted and unwelcome in your own life...it's just a terrible feeling...
...and when it gets worse daily when you didn't even think worse existed...you really can't explain something like that.
I'm getting really...sick. Sick. I'm not...normal. 4 years and I'm only accepting it now. This isn't healthy. This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this.
So...I'm going away for a while.
Miss me, PLEASE.
Why are you abandoning me now? I was just starting to need you. I really, really need you. And I'm sorry that you don't want me, but I just thought you should know.
...Scars never fucking disappear.
A few new ones tonight. It doesn't even feel like anything anymore. I miss the feeling. I miss feeling.
I miss everything. I've lost...everything. Everyone. Everything. I'm...I'm just gone. I'm no one. I'm empty, I'm alone. You can consider me as good as dead.
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| Devoted ENTIRELY to bitching... just because I have no one to talk to EVER and REALLY need it... |
[24 May 2004|08:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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taking back sunday |
] |
YEAH...so this thing that I was looking forward to, like...REALLY looking forward to...just got fucked in the ass, because people are stupid and don't tell me things...and just...I don't know. Why do I even bother trying to have a life anymore? It's insane...like I try SO HARD to have some actual FUN...and just like NO ONE is receptive to it. Are you fuckers actually SATISFIED with your lives? (That doesn't go to most of you...the majority of the people reading this actually do things and have friends and stuff...but just some are even lamer than me which is almost impossible...)
So...yeah. I'm just SO pissed right now...it's fucking unbearable.
My eyes have been fucked up for months, but as usual, nothing having to do with me is priority anymore, so whatever, my eyes are probably like infected or something, if that's even possible, but I can't not wear contacts because then I'd either be blind or just have to wear glasses and um NO I'm ugly enough as it is don't you think?
So yeah, I'm like eternally pissed off about the way I feel physically and mentally and emotionally and all of that bullshit, but yeah BLAH BLAH fuck you I know it's old, SHUT THE FUCK UP. So I don't even know...it's crazy but I mean there's the slightest fucking possibility that I may find a cure in a week and a day, but I honesty don't know if I'll make it that long...
...and that is terrifying.
It's just...WRONG. I hate this...I do. And NO ONE cares.
I just get yelled at SO MUCH everyday, and no matter how much pain I'm obviously in...NO ONE CARES! They just make it WORSE...and they KNOW IT! I don't understand why everyone's so intent on like punishing me...because I'm sorry but WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO ANY OF YOU!?
I'm always fucking there for you...and you're NEVER there for me, you trash me constantly and just rip me apart and just because YOU NEED FRIENDS I'm THERE FOR YOU...
...so why the fuck are you doing this? I do not deserve this, I just don't. So just stop.
My computer has been broken for months and months and months, my dad was in here for hours and hours pretending to fix it once, but he's an ASSHOLE and always pretends he knows how to do things but he's a DUMBASS and he doesn't...so he just FUCKS IT UP SO MUCH MORE and then blames you for breaking it "again" when he never fixed it in the first place! Man...I could go on for hours about how much I hate him and how just...STUPID he is...but that'll make me feel worse, and FOR ONCE...I'm allowing myself to care about that.
So yeah, I'm really fucked up right now...
Mom stole my pills, because while going through my trash to find out what I was lying about (since she's NEVER trusted or beleived me on ANYTHING...) she found a note to someone that told her that I abuse that shit...
...so now I'm an addict with nothing. Plus I'm going through double withdrawal, because my psych is a fucking MORON and doesn't understand the concept of withdrawal...I don't know, how the fuck do I keep trusting these people with my health? Look where it's fucking gotten me? I fucking hate this bullshit.
I fucking HATE this fucking room. I'm so pissed at myself, I spent so much time painting and decorating and stuff...and it's just hideous. 2 of the 3 colors are just gross, the floor is ugly and I spilled wax all over it yesterday because my wrist just stopped working, the area rug thing is just ugly, and sheds all over the place (which sucks when you wear A LOT of black and sit on the floor a lot) and just nothing NOTHING I wanted happened in here...and I've got no space...no places to put anything...
I miss my closet, it was normal, this closet's got this stupid organizer thing which makes it impossible to even hang up clothes...plus my sister just stole my other dresser so I'm jamming everything I own into this one itty bitty one and all 3 draws are broken so it takes a solid 5 minutes just to close them. The feng shui in this room is completely off and since the floor is complete shit if I move the furniture it'll scratch it in a totally grotesque way...
...and I just want my old room back. I was comfortable in there. So what if that's where the majority of my hallucinations happened, so what if I got locked in my closet when I was 7, so what if the window shattered on my arm out of nowhere, so what if the ceiling fan came down to hit me in the eye, so what if people were fucking MURDERED in that room...it was MINE, and I was comfortable there. I liked it. And now I'm stuck in shitland. And I may never get out. Because I don't know how I'm going to afford to go away to college. But I know I HAVE TO somehow.
But I guess it doesn't matter...because I'm not supposed to make it that far?
Apparently I'm schizophrenic now...and because of this and this and that I have mad brain damage and can't remember anything...and I have like made up memories...and I don't know, it just gets REALLY scary sometimes, when you don't even know who you are, how you grew up, when you've lost every single good experience that ever happened in your life and all you're left with is the past few years that have coincidentally been complete shit.
Um yeah, I think where I was going with that is that my doctors and my mother and everyone else she happened to tell (because my mother seems to think that my VERY personal life is just her story to tell to any random stranger who's willing to listen)...they all think that I should "go away for a while." Translation...I'm going to the fucking nut house and I'm never coming back. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN. Oops. Did I say that? Dirty, dirty secrets. Or, you know, of the many.
The crazy school people want me on bedside next year...which totally and completely sucks. Come on...senior year. I've worked so hard just to get there...and now just...no? You're gonna take it way from me just like that? Without even consulting me about it?! I DON'T THINK SO ASSHOLE.
I don't know what I've become...but it's really starting to scare me. It sounds stupid, but I honestly didn't see this happening. All of a sudden I realized what's going on...
The things I've been doing, the twisted thoughts that have been completely corrupting my mind, I'm fucking failing all of my classes with flying fucking colors and I'm going to spend my summer back and forth from summer school, 2 jobs, and the hospital.
...NO.
I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR THIS!
Where did I go wrong?
And you know...
...right now...all I really want is...is a someone. It's stupid, I know, because we all know how I am...
...and I realized after the last few fucked up attempts at a relationship that I can't keep doing that to people...especially people I care about...but seriously...if it were even an option anymore...
...that would be like...the best thing ever. No one in my life loves me, or at least that's how I see it, and I don't know, I just wish that somehow I could stop blocking all of that out, stop hiding from outside emotion...
...open my mind up to the concept of someone loving me even though I hate myself?
...I mean it's not like there's anyone who's up for loving me right now...but just...to be open to it if there were? I don't really know what I'm saying, I just...
There are SO many things that I want to do before I die, and with a possible death date coming up soon...
Falling in love is number 1 on my list.
...But, again, I REALLY just don't think it's possible at this point. I'm too tainted. No one could ever love me.
...And I'm so MEAN and so cold and so angry now (even though it's not really ME...it's just the defense mechanism that has totall consumed me...)
...I just don't think I'm capable of loving anymore.
...That kinda sucks to know at 16.
...If anyone's up for proving me wrong...
Yeah.
:) I'm done.
AND scene!
<3.
I never said I'd take this lying down...
when I've crawled home from worse than this
if it's not keeping you up nights...
then what's the point?
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[24 May 2004|07:12pm] |
steph is banging: well you have to have someone
eventually
...Yeah. I guess that about sums up my life right now.
:) Life's just peaches when you're lonely.
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| 210 calories. |
[24 May 2004|04:57pm] |
So...who's actually going to school tomorrow and staying there? I have to because because and yeah. Who wants to play with me??
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| jsdkfjsdkjfsdk Fucking ASSHOLE! |
[24 May 2004|04:45pm] |
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skdjfdksjfdk I don't know man...I'm fucking sick of the way I'm treated in this house. Like seriously what the fuck man...I do so much for everyone here and they treat me like such fucking shit...
This morning my mother yells at me for waking her up by throwing up to loudly, then she fights with me on and off for hours...telling me she wants me out of her house. Fucking...did I ever say I wanted to be here? If you didn't steal all of the fucking money I make I might have something to stand on, some way of getting the fuck out of here.
Then I don't know my fucking father is just the stupidest man on this fucking planet...like I don't even understand how I'm related to this asshole...
He just fucking makes me insane. Like I'm sorry man that you're a fucking douchebag and I have to fucking act like your mother because you can't even take care of yourself...but come on now, you are NOT my "parent," so fucking stop acting like you have any power over me. Stop acting like you're my superior, because I could fucking crush you. Stop acting as if I owe you anything...when I have been doing favors for you since the day I learned to walk, because you're just a lazy ass who uses and abuses every single fucking person you come in contact with. Man...all of those nights that he just sat on his ass while my mom was at work...he would just force me and my sister to do everything for him...I was fucking 5! That's not how it fucking goes! I guess it's no fucking suprise that I turned out the way I did...a cold hearted stone just like Daddy, but COME ON! How could you fuckers treat your kids the way you do? And then blame us for not being good enough? YOU'RE not fucking good enough, you're scum! I've got to shit completely, and I'm still more than you. I will always be more than you, because you are worthless nothing. Just fucking rot everyone hates you.
Man...THAT'S what pisses me off. HE'S got the fucking easy life...that fucking scumbag, he's a complete asshole to everyone he comes in contact with...and me...I spent so long being just so fucking NICE...and this is what I get? Like seriously what the fuck...how does that work out? DAMN...I hate him.
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore...
I never realized what a problem this anger thing was...
I dunno I guess it just kinda clicked today...
All the money spent in the past on repairing the house because I just broke everything in fit of rage, all the broken glass, all the holes in the walls, all the blood and all the bruises, all the fights and all the cop cars...
It's just too much.
I guess I just blocked it out, because it's hard...that's not ME. I have no fucking idea where it came from but I wasn't always like this! I was so patient...so nice. What the hell happened?! What happened that now I can barely get through a single day without making someone bleed? This is complete bullshit. I hate it...I hate who I've become, and I hate even more that it's not even me.
Everything's just become so twisted, so unreal, this isn't what life is supposed to be like...and ANY possible way to fix it...I just refuse to do it. Maybe I'm just that stubborn, or maybe I don't want to lose anymore, or maybe I'm just too tired. I don't know, but I'm tired of giving up and I'm tired of giving in. This isn't the way it's supposed to be.
Does anyone remember how I used to be?
...Wasn't I fun?
Sigh.
Can I ever get that back?
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| It's getting so tired... |
[24 May 2004|04:21pm] |
Yeah, so whatever, today was another something, and that blew. 6-9am just completely killed, it was just disgusting. Same fucking thing everyday...this has to stop. But I just don't know if I have the whatever to end it, like...I don't know if it's worth it at this point? How much damage has actually been done? How much have we lost, and can I ever get that back?
Sigh, yeah man, I dunno, but I mean I guess I should at least try...
...but when I do...I just totally fail.
So whatever. We'll see what happens.
I had to stay home today, and that blew, because I don't know I'm just sick of this bullshit...I haven't gotten through a full week of school in months and well that's just lame. So whatever...maybe next week? OYE. Yeah...I dunno why I'm sick today...it's weird, I'm hoping it's just a 24 hour bullshit thing...because tomorrow's like mad important, well unless that gets fucked over...or wait maybe that was Wednesday? I don't know...I just know a big day's coming up in the near future. So whatever.
I spent the day watching Real World and throwing up. Abram from Road Rules is gorgeous. Now my wrist is fucking killing me (still haven't figured out where all of that came from?) so whatever, I'm gonna go return to my tv. Oh by the way...the new room came out nice. It's weird, because like I used to live in that room, and it was all red and black and there was just so fucking much shit in there...and now it's just white walls and green carpet and couch and table and tv and pretty things and I don't know it looks nice...and that room has never looked nice. But I spent the entire day in there and I dunno I just feel comfortable there. Moving into this hell hole was a big mistake. I'm still so uncomfortable. Can't say the reason...because that's a whole childhood trauma and we've had enough of those for one day. So...yeah. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Just one thing...orange is like the ugliest color. WTF was I ever thinking?
Okay. The end.
let's start out by starting over
what did I expect?
you're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks
but you're so untouchable
and I'm oh so terrible at this
I'm terrible at this you know...
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| My boobs hurt. |
[23 May 2004|11:28pm] |
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Kelly with a Y is cordially invited to my tea party. OH DAMN.
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[23 May 2004|11:15pm] |
I hate when you walk into a room and it so obviously smells like covered up cigarette smoke.
...No more.
:) How long will that last?
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[23 May 2004|09:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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yellowcard |
] |
( A Slightly Random Survey )
( First 100 of a 5000 )
Watching the days burning out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go.
Built me up and broke me down somehow.
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now
And I would wait for you, if you would wait for me
And I will wait for you, if you would wait for me
Intoxicated the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes in your mind
regenerated these feelings of hatred, I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down this time.
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[23 May 2004|09:16pm] |
Why do you hate me? What the fuck did I ever do to you? I'm sorry if I thought I could talk to you. Guess I was wrong. Don't worry, I won't make that mistake again. The least you could have done was stop lying to me. That's just low.
Goodbye then, I guess.
You're so not who I thought you were.
But I guess I'm enough of a disapointment too.
People totally suck.
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